So, I made a decision today to stop taking this medicine I've been taking which has so far made me 1) nauseous; 2) have no appetite and lose 5 pounds; 3) a lethargic SLUG who wasn't good for ANYTHING this weekend and; 4) break out in a mysterious rash on my arms, neck and chest. Mysterious rash = HOT! I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow, so hopefully we can figure all of this out. And in case anyone who reads this is wondering or might be able to help, yeah, the medication was an antidepressant.
I was going to try to keep my thoughts about all of this to myself, but I finally decided that since I am posting in an online journal where I'll be writing every day, it's not really realistic to not write about this difficult thing that I'm going through and expect to still also write every day. Becuase trying to write about everything EXCEPT the big elephant in the room is the easiest way to ensure that I'm going to have to wrack my brain for something, anything, absolutely one single other thing to write about and I'm going to fail. But at least now that I've brought it up, I can be free to write about it, or other things.
It's been a weird thing for me to be on this antidepressant and NOT have it work out very well. When I tried going on one something like 10 years ago, I gave up on it immediately because I didn't want to be on it anyway and I hated it and was convinced that Prozac would be a gateway drug to, I don't know, crack? I was a very anti-drug teenager and was all freaked out about anything more than Advil, which has pretty much been my stance throughout my adult life, too. But, this time, I was totally ready and open to trying it. I mean, things have been feeling pretty shitty and blah for MONTHS now, and the times that I was happy were still infused with all this weird paranoia and sadness and guilt, etc. So, I really was hoping that the meds would work, would help me get back to me. Because, you know, when people keep telling me to take care of myself and do what makes me happy and I'm thinking, "wow, I don't even REMEMBER what makes me happy," that's a bad sign.
So, I took the meds. And things were a little weird right away, but I thought it was just the initial adjustment period. But this weekend, man. I have NEVER been that out of it, and I've had my fair share of drunken stupors and rough hangovers and sicknesses where I've just wanted to lay around ,etc. But never have I actually physically felt unable to move, unable to eat, etc. I can't live like that. I can't live unhappily, but that wasn't any better.
So I'm hoping something better will come along after I go see the doctor again tomorrow. I'm willing to fiddle around with medications and see if things help, but I also know what the best medicine of all is going to be - to go home for a couple of weeks, be surrounded by my family and people who care, and just feel LOVED. If I've learned anything in my twenties, it's that it's ok to admit that I need other people. And right now, I do. More than ever.
Thanks for reading. And here's to hoping I have something better to write about soon.
I was going to try to keep my thoughts about all of this to myself, but I finally decided that since I am posting in an online journal where I'll be writing every day, it's not really realistic to not write about this difficult thing that I'm going through and expect to still also write every day. Becuase trying to write about everything EXCEPT the big elephant in the room is the easiest way to ensure that I'm going to have to wrack my brain for something, anything, absolutely one single other thing to write about and I'm going to fail. But at least now that I've brought it up, I can be free to write about it, or other things.
It's been a weird thing for me to be on this antidepressant and NOT have it work out very well. When I tried going on one something like 10 years ago, I gave up on it immediately because I didn't want to be on it anyway and I hated it and was convinced that Prozac would be a gateway drug to, I don't know, crack? I was a very anti-drug teenager and was all freaked out about anything more than Advil, which has pretty much been my stance throughout my adult life, too. But, this time, I was totally ready and open to trying it. I mean, things have been feeling pretty shitty and blah for MONTHS now, and the times that I was happy were still infused with all this weird paranoia and sadness and guilt, etc. So, I really was hoping that the meds would work, would help me get back to me. Because, you know, when people keep telling me to take care of myself and do what makes me happy and I'm thinking, "wow, I don't even REMEMBER what makes me happy," that's a bad sign.
So, I took the meds. And things were a little weird right away, but I thought it was just the initial adjustment period. But this weekend, man. I have NEVER been that out of it, and I've had my fair share of drunken stupors and rough hangovers and sicknesses where I've just wanted to lay around ,etc. But never have I actually physically felt unable to move, unable to eat, etc. I can't live like that. I can't live unhappily, but that wasn't any better.
So I'm hoping something better will come along after I go see the doctor again tomorrow. I'm willing to fiddle around with medications and see if things help, but I also know what the best medicine of all is going to be - to go home for a couple of weeks, be surrounded by my family and people who care, and just feel LOVED. If I've learned anything in my twenties, it's that it's ok to admit that I need other people. And right now, I do. More than ever.
Thanks for reading. And here's to hoping I have something better to write about soon.
posted by Megan | 7:29 PM
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