I am totally stealing this "meme" from an American Express ad:

My Name: Megan
Childhood Ambition: To be a writer or own a restaurant
Fondest Memory: A taxi in Costa Rica, someone shining to see me.
Soundtrack: Something sappy and sentimental, with funky beats right before I start to cry.
Retreat: Reading
Wildest Dream: Going back in time 5 years and doing certain, specific things different.
Proudest Moment: Getting through the last year.
Biggest Challenge: Getting through the last year.
Alarm Clock: Cell phone
Perfect Day: Sleep in, have perfect latte made for me. Breakfast - eggs, mushrooms, cheese, home fries, sausage, grapefruit juice. A big newspaper, with interesting news. A fireplace, a cozy house. Cats. An awesome dinner out. New books. Sunlight, but not really hot. A cozy bed.
First Job: Food service at a waterpark.
Indulgence: Magazines. Hair cuts and color. Books.
Last Purchase: Dinner tonight - caesar salad and chicken alfredo.
Favorite Movie: Dude, currently - MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
Inspiration: My dad
My life: Beautifully challenging
My card: hahahahahha, I don't have ONE!

Tonight was long. I'm getting sick. Sorry I'm lazy.

Ok, I'm being lazy....but this is kind of interesting, nonetheless.

A Year's Worth of Survey

January
1. did you have a new years resolution? not really - just wanted to be happy and have my relationship last and evolve.
2. if so, did you go through with it? not entirely. relationship ended in march, happiness was hard to come by after that.
3. does it snow where you live? it snows where i live now, but not so much in my hometown.
4. do you like hot chocolate? of course
5. have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop? not other than on tv, no.

February
1. did you have a valentine last year? i worked on valentine's evening, then drove myself to the airport to meet with my boyfriend the next day in costa rica. so, yes.
2. did you WANT a valentine? i've never been big on valentine's day, but it was nice to have one, sure.
3. did you play in the snow? no, but i drove in it and slipped in it.
4. do you have february break? i wasn't supposed to, but i took a week off school and work to go to costa rica!
5. when you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class? totally

March
1. are you Irish? 1/4, and my name means "Great Mighty One" in old Irish.
2. do you wear green on St. Patty's Day? Yes, and almost every other day.
3. do you believe in leprechauns, four leaf clovers and all that stuff? I used to.

April

1. do you like the rain? love it
2. do you celebrate easter? not in a religious way
3. do you get candy on easter? if i'm home, yes
4. Have you ever danced or kissed in the rain? yes
5. do you believe in the easter bunny? no, but i totally love the tooth fairy

May
1. what's your favorite kind of flower? gerbera daisy
2. do you love your mommy? yes, but it's hard
3. do you like the spring? yes
4. finish the phrase - APRIL SHOWERS - bring may flowers, which die in redding.
5. what would you think of as a spring color? all the light girly ones.

June

1. what's the last grade you graduated from? Officially, I guess high school. I'll FINALLY graduate college this year.
2. what day did/do you graduate school? May 20
3. do you love your daddy? Yes. Unconditionally.

July
1. would you consider yourself patriotic? not really
2. do you go on any vacations during this month? if possible, yes.
3. ever gotten really drunk on 4th of july? actually, two of my worst hangovers ever were on the 4th of july. so i guess i get drunk on the 3rd.

August

1. do you do anything special to end off your summer? no
2. does school start during this month? this year, hopefully for the last time ever.
3. do you go swimming a lot in the summer? yep
4. do you like swimming? yes, but not in the ocean.
5. do you go to the beach a lot?i like dog beach.

September

1. does school start during this month? i already answered this.
2. do you like school? yeah, mostly
3. suppp number three? i guess it was lost in cyberspace
4. who's your favorite teacher? tom newkirk rocks my world.
5. do you like fall better than summer? yes. it's pretty.

October
1. what was your craziest halloween costume ever? lemon meringue pie or princess and the pea
2. do you still go trick or treating? no
3. what's your favorite candy? skittles and caramel cubes
4. what are you gonna be this year? an old lady who hates Halloween.

November
1. who's house do you usually go to for thanksgiving? my dad's or grandmother's
2. do you like stuffing? YES
3. what are you thankful for? this year, i was just thankful for getting away from here.
4. name everyone who's at your family dinner? this year it was just me, my dad, jeanette, my brother, jen, my grandmother, and jackie.

December
1. do you celebrate christmas? yes
2. hannukah? no. .
3. do you get presents? yes
4. what's your favorite present you ever got? when my dad got me a weird academic book i had asked for, but it was on back order so he wrapped another book in a fake book jacket he made himself.
5. do you like cold weather? it's grown on me.

It's been a long weekend, and I'm tired, and I know that I won't do all of my thoughts justice right now because I'm so tired, but I also know that if I don't at least sort of get them out they'll just float around in my brain when I'm trying to sleep and I'll have weird random dreams like I did last night, which were so real and yet so bizarre that the realness was cancelled out by the bizarreness and I just woke up hot and tired and confused. But I guess that's what sleeping in a tiny room with artificial heat with a buzz on does to you.

I spent from Friday through this morning hanging out up in York with D and co. Friday it was just the two of us - I woke up, spent a few hours waiting for the phone guy to hook up my home phone (FINALLY!!), then finished up some school stuff, showered, and put my pajamas on. This last part was necessary to right the wrong of the night before - I had stayed up semi-late talking on the phone with an old friend, and drinking wine all the while. I ended up sleeping in my clothes, which led to a very weird feeling in the morning. I actually ANSWERED THE DOOR when the phone installation guy came in the same clothes I had slept in. I think he thought I was kind of insane, and I kind of was for the first few hours of my day. Just, tired. So, anyway, after showering and putting the pjs on, I did a few errands, picked up a couple movies for us to watch, and headed to D's, where we proceeded to sit on our lazy butts ALL DAY. We watched movies (OH MY GOD is "March of the Penguins" the CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD OR WHAT??) and ate Spaghetti O's and just lazed about. We made another friend watch MOTP when he showed up at, like, 10 pm. It was just nice, relaxed, low-key time.

Saturday we slept in and basically waited around all day for B and his friend to show up. We had big plans for a bowling party at 7. So, here's where everything kind of got weird for me. I really, really love spending time with all of the people who were at the bowling party. But, in a strange way, it just makes me MORE sad, because I realize that all of these people have been friends for a very long time, and will be, and I feel like I'm sort of "temporary" addition to their life. And of course there is the whole aspect of missing E and feeling like some of them kind of feel a bit weird toward me because of him, etc. This is where I know I'm doing a good job of getting out what I'm really feeling, but I think it all boils down to loneliness - hanging out with this group of friends makes me miss my OLD group of friends a lot more than I ever thought I could. The inside jokes, the comfort, the familiarity. It just feels like no matter what, I'll never have that with these people, and I feel like I had that chance when I was dating E. It's all convoluted, because I do know on some level that E wasn't right for me; but, there are so many things about him and dating him that I really miss and that leave me feeling like there are pieces missing.

This morning we all slept in, I got my ass kicked at Scrabble, and then I came home and went to work for a few hours. Tomorrow I'm writing Christmas cards and relaxing. I have a feeling this week is going to go by very quickly.

If one, say, fails a computer science final but gets a 95 on the final project it all balances out in the end, right? Right? Good, that's what I thought.

Because it's been a long day (what with the final-failing and working and all), I am going to do something I saw in this journal and also this one. 10 things, to 10 people who I won't name. Here goes.

1) You will never know how much I appreciate and love you. There will never be words or time enough to make it all clear, but thank you. For everything, always.
2) I'm pretty sure you lied to me about pretty much everything when we were spending time together. But you know what? I forgive you. And, I hated that you were allergic to cats.
3) I have never laughed as hard with anyone as I have laughed with you. Or had someone laugh at me that much. I love that about you.
4) I will never, ever be ready for what you offered me on your couch that Thanksgiving years ago. Never.
5) Sometimes I am so grateful for your friendship, but sometimes you are a selfish, controlling, weirdo and then I feel all guilty for thinking that. You make me feel weak.
6) I wish I had a lot of money so I could take care of you. I know it wouldn't solve all your problems, but it seems like it would make it easier. I'd build you a house and buy you movies and books and animals and food for them, and you'd be happy. Right?
7) I am really, really sorry about ruining two July 4ths for you. I was wrong, a lot.
8) I am constantly worried something bad is going to happen to you and we will never be close.
9) Some of my best and worst memories of my twenties involve you. I haven't figured out what that means.
10) I'm terrified I'll never get over you. I'm terrified I will.

It's always comforting to walk into one's own home at 11 pm and find 3 strangers on the couch, no roommates anywhere in sight. Especially when one entrance to the house is double locked, and the other is wide open. Whatever. I was tired enough that I just poured myself a shot of Baileys and trudged upstairs. I'm sure my roommate is around here somewhere, that little devil!

Today was......long. Two doctor-type appointments, followed by an immediate turn-around to go to work where we had not one but TWO Christmas parties, as well as regular walk-in business. Not too bad, though, since I almost made enough money tonight to cover all of my needs for the next week plus. AND, one of my regular customers gave me a spiffy (and generous) Target gift card! It almost (almost) put a glimmer of Christmas spirit in my otherwise small and dark heart. And yeah, I'm being a bit dramatic.

Tomorrow is my last real final (which I am woefully unprepared for - tomorrow morning isn't too late to study, though), and then more work. D and I are carpooling again, which certainly helps the night and drive go by more quickly.

Doctor appointment was....ok. This is an awfully weird time of year to be "experimenting" with different medications, especially considering that my doctor happens to go on vacation at the same time all of us students do. I got this advice today in an email, and I'm going to try to take it -

"if I was there, thats the treatment I would put you on: home-made chicken soup, broccoli, 8 hours of sleep, 1 hour at the gym, 1 hour yoga, cut back on your studies (just get by because no one cares in the long run), buy 2 new CDs a week, go to at least 2-3 movies a week (don't miss your boys Jake and Heath as the gay cowboys), and try and talk to the people in your life that make you happy (limit the people who bring you down), and then you'll be back on track : ) That's my cure. Of course, sometimes there's minor set backs, but that's life......."

Yeah, this is life. For better or for worse, and it's MY life.

So, I made a decision today to stop taking this medicine I've been taking which has so far made me 1) nauseous; 2) have no appetite and lose 5 pounds; 3) a lethargic SLUG who wasn't good for ANYTHING this weekend and; 4) break out in a mysterious rash on my arms, neck and chest. Mysterious rash = HOT! I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow, so hopefully we can figure all of this out. And in case anyone who reads this is wondering or might be able to help, yeah, the medication was an antidepressant.

I was going to try to keep my thoughts about all of this to myself, but I finally decided that since I am posting in an online journal where I'll be writing every day, it's not really realistic to not write about this difficult thing that I'm going through and expect to still also write every day. Becuase trying to write about everything EXCEPT the big elephant in the room is the easiest way to ensure that I'm going to have to wrack my brain for something, anything, absolutely one single other thing to write about and I'm going to fail. But at least now that I've brought it up, I can be free to write about it, or other things.

It's been a weird thing for me to be on this antidepressant and NOT have it work out very well. When I tried going on one something like 10 years ago, I gave up on it immediately because I didn't want to be on it anyway and I hated it and was convinced that Prozac would be a gateway drug to, I don't know, crack? I was a very anti-drug teenager and was all freaked out about anything more than Advil, which has pretty much been my stance throughout my adult life, too. But, this time, I was totally ready and open to trying it. I mean, things have been feeling pretty shitty and blah for MONTHS now, and the times that I was happy were still infused with all this weird paranoia and sadness and guilt, etc. So, I really was hoping that the meds would work, would help me get back to me. Because, you know, when people keep telling me to take care of myself and do what makes me happy and I'm thinking, "wow, I don't even REMEMBER what makes me happy," that's a bad sign.

So, I took the meds. And things were a little weird right away, but I thought it was just the initial adjustment period. But this weekend, man. I have NEVER been that out of it, and I've had my fair share of drunken stupors and rough hangovers and sicknesses where I've just wanted to lay around ,etc. But never have I actually physically felt unable to move, unable to eat, etc. I can't live like that. I can't live unhappily, but that wasn't any better.

So I'm hoping something better will come along after I go see the doctor again tomorrow. I'm willing to fiddle around with medications and see if things help, but I also know what the best medicine of all is going to be - to go home for a couple of weeks, be surrounded by my family and people who care, and just feel LOVED. If I've learned anything in my twenties, it's that it's ok to admit that I need other people. And right now, I do. More than ever.

Thanks for reading. And here's to hoping I have something better to write about soon.

So, living in "the city" when there is a semi-huge snowstorm is legions different than living out in "the country" like I used to, apparently. Sweet jesus, I had no idea it was so complicated. I mean, being a California girl, I was already at a huge disadvantage when I moved out here two years ago. But to have spent those two years (and two winters) living in the kind of place where you never really had to worry about moving your car, shoveling, or whether or not plowing would get done? S-P-O-I-L-E-D. Add to that having had, last year at this time, a freaking boyfriend who helped out with all the unwieldy snow removal tasks, and you can just imagine how pleased I was to actually have to DEAL with everything yesterday. God, I'm a whiner.

So yeah, there was a lot of snow. And it is very pretty and was very fluffy and nice and stuff, but it really was weird to just sit here and reflect on all that sad stuff about last year and this upcoming year and blah, etc, woe is me, self pity, yawn. Suffice to say, it's been a lame weekend.

Got out a bit today to have coffee and see "Derailed." Clive Owen better watch out, because in every role I've seen him in he's been really well suited at playing a cheating asshole. It was an ok movie, but I figured out the "twist" pretty shortly into the whole thing, which was kind of annnoying.

Tomorrow is the Prescott House/Zampa party, which should be alright. Already planning to just go ahead and crash there, but I have a ton of stuff I'll need to be doing on Monday so I can't get too messed up. Haven't heard a thing from E for several days now, and not really sure how I feel about that. Just trying to focus on the positive and the people who love me and are here for me, no matter how far away they are distance-wise.

So, tomorrow is supposed to mark the arrival of the first big huge snowstorm this year which is alreadly predicted to be notable enough that it was the main topic of conversation at pretty much all of my tables at work tonight (yes, run on sentence enough for you?). This will be my third winter here in New England, and seriously, I still get a kick out of all the noise that is made and excitement that is generated over a weather report. The ranges right now are anywhere from 3 to 13 inches. Excellent. Luckily, I think I will be able to get by just sticking pretty close to home for the next couple of days. I have a ton of work to do, but so long as I have my trusty internet connection and brilliant (ha) mind, I should be able to get it all done. With the exception of Ryder and Lorenzo maybe coming by tomorrow night, and possibly working on Saturday, I dont have any real plans to distract me until the Prescott House party on Sunday. At which time I will likely get thoroughly, exceptionally drunk.

I was able to get all of my hoped for time off filled tonight in, like, record time. Sometimes I really love my co-workers. So, as long as ticket prices aren't HORRENDOUS, I'll make it home from Christmas Eve through about the 8th or 9th of January. I have no idea what New Year's will be like, but as long as there is nothing to remind me of all the shiny hopefulness of last year, I'll be ok. I'm not so optimistic yet as to feel like this upcoming year will be all shiny hopeful, but maybe it can be matte hopeful. I don't know.

Came home tonight and watched "Roger and Me" (Roger Moore documentary about Flint, Michigan from wayback in the late 80s or so) with my roommate. Dude, the scene with the weird and sad rabbit-peddling lady? Yikes. Anyway, it's such a totally, completely different dynamic in this house than it was in the Prescott House. I mean, S isn't such a terrible person; it's just that we keep such different hours, and usually by the time I come home from school and work and chill out enough to be social, he's already passed out on the couch, or close to it, and we just don't interact much. And A is in a class all her own (PSYCHOTIC), so I barely even count her as a roommate except when she annoys me by being in the bathroom when I want to get in there. It's funny; when I left Prescott House, I wanted nothing more than a little isolation and "me" space; now there are times when I'd give anything for someone to knock on my door and make me come out and talk, even when I didn't feel like it.....because at least then, someone was making me be me. Anyway, I did make the effort to interact with S a bit tonight by talking and hanging out, and I'll try to do that more in the next few months.

Tomorrow = LINGUISTICS PROJECT.